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The state of affairs : rethinking infidelity / Esther Perel.

by Perel, Esther.

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Harper, an imprint of HarperCollins, 2017.

Marital conflict.

Married people.

Man-woman relationships.

Intimacy (Psychology)

9780062322586 (hc.)

xvi, 319 pages ; 24 cm.

Includes bibliographical references (pages 303-310) and index.

Part I: setting the stage. A new conversation about marriage and infidelity -- Defining infidelity: is chatting cheating? -- Affairs are not what they used to be. Part II: the fallout. Why betrayal hurts so much: death by a thousand cuts -- Little shop of horrors: do some affairs hurt more than others? -- Jealousy: the spark of eros -- Self-blame or vengeance: the dagger cuts -- To tell or not to tell?: the politics of secrecy and revelation. Part III: meanings and motives. Even happy people cheat: mining the meanings of affairs -- An antidote to deadness: the lure of the forbidden -- Is sex ever just sex? The emotional economics of adultery -- The mother of all betrayals? Affairs among other marital misdemeanors -- The lover's dilemma: conversations with the other woman. Part IV: ever after. Monogamy and its discontents: rethinking marriage -- After the storm: the legacy of an affair.

"Affairs, the author argues, have a lot to teach us about the human heart - what we expect, what we think we want, and what we feel entitled to. They offer a unique window into our personal and cultural attitudes about love, lust, and commitment. Through examining illicit love from multiple angles, Perel invites readers into an honest, enlightened, and entertaining exploration of modern marriage in its many variations. An affair: it can rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness, their very identity. And yet, this extremely common human experience is poorly understood. Adultery has existed since marriage was invented, and so too the prohibition against it: in fact, it has a tenacity that marriage can only envy. So what are we to make of this time-honored taboo - universally forbidden yet universally practiced? Why do people cheat - even those in happy marriages? Why does an affair hurt so much? When we say infidelity, what exactly do we mean? Do our romantic expectations of marriage set us up for betrayal? Is there such a thing as an affair-proof marriage? Is it possible to love more than one person at once? Can an affair ever help a marriage? Perel weaves real-life case stories with incisive psychological and cultural analysis. Betrayal hurts, she writes, but it can be healed. An affair can even be the doorway to a new marriage - with the same person. With the right approach, couples can grow and learn from these tumultuous experiences, together or apart. The author provides a daring framework for understanding the intricacies of love and desire. As Perel observes, "Love is messy; infidelity more so. But it is also a window, like no other, into the crevices of the human heart. Esther Perel is a couples and family therapist in New York City. She is on the faculty of the International Trauma Studies program at Columbia University"--Provided by publisher.

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