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Beautifully unique sparkleponies : on myths, morons, free speech, football, and assorted absurdities / Chris Kluwe.

by Kluwe, Chris.

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Little Brown and Company, 2013.

American wit and humor -- 21st century.

American essays -- 21st century.

Football players -- United States -- Anecdotes.

Kicking (Football) -- Anecdotes.

9780316236775 (hc.)

0316236772 (hc.)

ix, 261 p., [8] p. of plates : col. ill. ; 24 cm.

Includes index.

Hello -- Welcome to the circus -- Some people don't understand logic -- Bowdlerizations -- A letter to Jesus -- That dark passenger -- The rush -- Mirror, mirror -- The darkness and the light -- A jaunt/y/ past time -- How to serve man -- Bang bang -- Thirty pieces -- For the children -- Graduation -- All your bases -- Who is John Galt -- Incorporation -- Elementary -- It ain't all fame and fortune -- Just deserts -- Just call me Thomas -- A brief interlude -- How to win the internet in seven easy steps -- Introspection -- A list -- XY -- Motes and beams -- Some other people have even more trouble with logic -- Somebody think of the children -- For the Lulz -- Vicariously -- Love, Dad -- Explicit, implicit, omission -- If I ruled the world -- Echo chamber -- Five, six, eight, BOOM -- Janus -- On weapons (Thank you, Mr. Banks) -- He's a nihilist, Donny -- Personal stories -- How to write a song -- Aliens -- Bowling -- Rage -- Association -- The only policy -- Hey, douchebag -- Dichotomies and dinosaurs: or, life is a long chain letter -- The lottery -- Lanced -- Mystery -- We hold these truths -- Time's a-wasted (point zero blues) -- Kiss my ass -- (p)Recognition -- Visions of the future-- AR -- Starting kicks -- LIfe lessons -- A tasting menu -- An acknowledgement -- Eulogy.

"A collection of personal essays from the NFL punter, best known for a searing letter in defense of marriage equality written to a Maryland politician, discusses religion, guns, the Pope, in-helmet cameras, and his children. In your hands, right now, you hold the culmination of thousands of years of human intelligence, ingenuity, and brilliance. What is in my book, you ask? (I'm really glad you asked, by the way, because now I get to tell you.) Time travel. Gay marriage. Sportsballing. Futuristic goggles that do nothing. Tiny brags from my publisher, stuff like: "This is an uproarious, uncensored take on empathy, personal responsibility, and what it means to be human." Excessive brags about myself: "An extraordinarily clever, punishingly funny, sharp-tongued blogosphere star, NFL player, husband and father, one-time violin prodigy, voracious lifetime reader, obsessive gamer, and fearless champion of personal freedom." Oh, and also an essay on the Pope's Twitter account. Honestly, if that doesn't draw you in, there's no hope left for humanity. I also give my own funeral eulogy, in case you were hoping I'd go away and die now! So please, join me in the glorious art of windmill tilting by reading this "collection of rousing, uncensored personal essays, letters, and stories" (I have no idea why that's in quotes). Join the herd of beautifully unique sparkleponies. Chris Kluwe grew up in Southern California among a colony of wild chinchillas and didn't learn how to communicate outside of barking and howling until he was fourteen years old. He has played football in the NFL, once wrestled a bear for a pot of gold, and lies occasionally."--Provided by publisher.

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